Weekly Article
ADHD and Marriage – The Cycle, Common Problems, Possible Solutions
with children but this is starting to change as the number of adults with the condition continues to grow. Symptoms of adult ADHD include problems with focus and concentration, forgetfulness, disorganization, difficulty completing tasks, poor listening skills, failure to pay attention to detail, and the craving for novelty and excitement. According to the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry these symptoms are responsible for the high probability of marital discontent when one or both partners have ADHD. Any marriage has its ups and downs and is challenging enough without ADHD in the mix. But when both partners have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder the attributes necessary to build a solid foundation for a lasting marriage simply may not be there. ADHD and Marriage – The Cycle Often ADHD marriages follow a predictable cycle that ends up in divorce. The cycle generally starts with the non-ADHD partner withdrawing from the marriage or relationship because they can no longer deal with the ADHD partner’s chronic disorganization, forgetfulness, messiness, clutter, emotional outbursts, and unpredictable or embarrassing behavior or comments. Oftentimes so much damage has been done to the marriage at this point the non-ADHD spouse is no longer interesting in finding solutions but only in finding a way out as sheer exhaustion, frustration, and resentment has taken its toll. Also, it is at this time that the non-ADHD spouse may immerse themselves in their profession, hobbies, or friends, or may even feel the time is right to strike up an extramarital affair. Around this time in the cycle the ADHD spouse will start to sense failure, defeat, and may start feel overwhelmed by criticism. This in turn leads to a type of self imposed isolationism and/or the need to find comfort in an extramarital affair or partaking in risky behaviors such as substance abuse, alcohol abuse, or gambling. The ADHD spouse may also be inclined to seek refuge in work and hyper-focus on it blocking out everything else, including the needs of their children. In response to this the non-ADHD spouse will likely become angry, suspicious, resentful, disappointed or disgruntled, and may demand that the ADHD spouse change their ways or else. This in turn pushes the ADHD spouse even farther away where he or she becomes even more aloof, forgetful, distracted, disorganized, and withdrawn, bring the ADHD cycle full circle. ADHD Marriages – 10 Common Problems Impulsive out of control spending. It is not uncommon for ADHD adults to rack up huge credit card bills that threaten a family’s financial wellbeing and make saving or planning for the future virtually impossible. Problems at work that ultimately lead to discontent at home. Adults with ADHD are routinely demoted or let go because of their inability to concentrate at work, finish projects, accept constructive criticism, and work in harmony with others. Addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors such as gambling, substance abuse, and drinking can quickly siphon off financial resources that could be used for family needs straining what may already be a precarious situation. Extramarital affairs. This is a big problem in ADHD marriages due to the ADHD spouses insatiable need for impulsivity, excitement, and thrill seeking. Problems with intimacy. There are many reasons for this including the inability to focus or concentrate for long periods of time, hypersensitivity to touch and sound, a tendency to be overly blunt, low self esteem, and overuse of alcohol or drugs; any one of which may dull or diminish sexual desire or performance. Disorganization and forgetfulness. These traits may make the ADHD spouse seem both unreliable and unpredictable when it comes to handling household chores, managing finances, and effectively parenting children. When the non-ADHD spouse is forced to pick up the slack things can turn ugly in a hurry as the non-ADHD spouse starts to view their partner as another child that must be taken care of. Clutter and messiness. These common ADHD traits can create quite a bit of friction in any relationship especially if one partner prides themselves on neatness, organization, and cleanliness. Appearing to be self-centered. ADHD spouses are so distracted and preoccupied by their own thoughts, interests, projects, or problems that they may appear to be self-centered, narcissistic, selfish, egotistical, or living in a world of their own. This may leave children and spouses feeling left out, underappreciated, ignored, or unloved. This may open the door for the non-ADHD spouse to seek out companionship and/or intimacy outside the marriage or simply ask for a separation or divorce. In conclusion, ADHD and marriage seem to mix just about as well as oil and water most of the time. Nevertheless, according to the experts at Native Remedies there are five steps that can help turn things around starting today. They are: use daily notes as organizational and reminder tools; make sure the ADHD partner understands the non-ADHD partners requests; establish a daily routine; recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day and resurrecting a damaged or failed marriage will take time; and last but not least consider adding “Focus ADDult” if you are an ADHD adult struggling with concentration, impulsivity, focus, and attention. |
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